If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
