420 ftw
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
