It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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