I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
it was like his penis was on wheels.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I enjoy the company of your penis
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
