She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
