i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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