Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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