PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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