woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
