I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize