When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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