how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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