i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
