Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
