No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
