She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
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