the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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