just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
