you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I touched a dick in church today
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
