Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
