take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Duck Duck Cougar?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
