i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize