Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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