you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
