my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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