I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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