I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
