Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
