your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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