After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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