also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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