shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
