hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
