I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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