just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
