I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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