whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
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