Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
