he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
