I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize