how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
