I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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