I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
