he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
