fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
