Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
