I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
