I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
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