I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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