Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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