I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
