Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
