I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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