My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
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