if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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