I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
