i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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