my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
