Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
