I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
