I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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