Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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