If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
