Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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